I have started writing this post three times so far this week! Maybe today will be the day it gets written

When I went away for my solitary retreat the other weekend I had an idea in my head about how I thought it might go and what I wanted to cover. But God had other ideas.

During the drive down to Jindabyne on Saturday morning I was feeling very stressed and agitated. My chest was tight. My head hurt. My mind was racing a million miles a minute and by the time I was two thirds there I was beginning to wonder exactly how productive the weekend was going to be if this was the state I was in.

When I checked into the chalet, I was still feeling more than a little cranky and I had pretty much decided that I wasn’t going to be able to get any thinking or writing done while I was so wound up. I figured I’d try to relax for the remainder of the day and get into things on Sunday morning. So I unpacked my gear and stacked the fridge with supplies and headed out for a walk. I didn’t even take my iPod, my head was too busy to even listen to music.

The resort has a network of sealed roads weaving through the grounds. Everything is beautifully signposted and it’s easy to see where you’re going and how long it’s going to take to get there. These roads were busy with walking couples and families and cars speeding by. These roads offered easy walking. But I didn’t want to be around people and feel like I had to smile and play nice. Lucky for me the resort also has a spiderweb of barely visible bush tracks that weave through the grounds. These are the tracks I decided to explore. They were difficult to navigate and in the early stages they were so hard to follow that I had to stop and think hard about which way to go. The tracks wandered through alpine fields and through stands of snow gums and through scrubby bushes by little creeks. Gorgeous scenery…but I  had no idea how long it was going to take me, I didn’t know if I was going to get messy, and to be honest, I didn’t care…I was out there to clear my head…if it took half an hour, GREAT…if it took two hours…GREAT..I didn’t care. And there was no way of knowing one way or the other anyway. I just knew I needed to walk.

As I walked I started to notice that even though I thought there wasn’t any way of knowing where I was going, there were markers along the way that were providing guidance. Some of them were little arrows on stakes in the ground that were easy to see. Some of them were the same little arrows that were hidden in clumps of grass. Some were wooden arrows hanging in trees that sort of wobbled as the wind blew, but still pointed generally in the right direction, and some of them were like the one in the photo…a big red arrow painted on the rock and completely unmistakable.

As I walked I realised that these little bush trails and the markers were an allegory for the adventure that I found myself on. I’m off the beaten trail, there are very few people on the same path, and I have no idea how long it will take me to get where I’m going. As I progress on my adventure there are (and will continue to be) markers along my path that are easy to see….there will be markers that are hidden in the weeds along the path that are only visible if you know what you are looking for, there are the signs that point the way, but are a bit wobbly, and finally there are the directions that are so firmly rooted in the Rock that they are unmistakable.

I would never have seen these markers had I stayed on the easy roads. I had to step away from the easy and the mainstream to follow what God has for me in the next little while. Both roads lead to the same endpoint, but only one path provides challenge and reliance on God-given direction.

At the point in my walk where I connected the dots and saw God’s confirmation of my adventure, my mind started to race even more. I was excited that God would meet me in my moment of chaos! My mind was racing in a whole new way, but as I walked I felt compelled to just stop. “Be still and know that I am God” was the only thing that occupied my thoughts.

I stood still. I quieted my mind. And I heard something that I was completely oblivious to before. I heard the sound of the river that was rushing over rocks beside me.  I know that sounds cheesy. And I hate cheesy. But the sense that God’s love was rushing over me and washing away the things that occupied my mind was overwhelming. It was a physical sensation of release and relaxation. I felt a warmth and a comfort that told me that I was completely on the right path. I felt as though I was in a warm embrace that said. I love you. You’re where I want you to be.

By the time I got back to the chalet I felt as though I had been on holiday for a week. I was blown away that God had chosen to meet me in my most chaotic moment. It was powerful and wonderful and affirming. My plans for my weekend were turned upside down in the most wonderful way. I’m right where I need to be right now.

Are you where God wants you to be?

Michelle

Click on the photo to see more photos from my weekend away.

Just wanted to say thank you to those of you who were praying for me this past weekend.

My weekend was good. It was very relaxing but at the same time very challenging. I have a lot to work on! Most notably I learned that you can’t close your eyes when you worship while you’re walking LOL

Here’s a brain dump of what I came away with:

• I’m in the mess I’m in because of the decisions I’ve made…take responsibility for them and then take responsibility for recovering
• Don’t rush the restoration, “Be still and know that I am God”, it will be a gradual process…it won’t happen overnight. Rest and enjoy the adventure.
• Take a more conscious and intentional approach to a holistic life of faith, watch for subtle separation of spiritual and other stuff…It shouldn’t be separated…ever.
• Dream big
• Work at eliminating distractions

I also want to tell you about what I discovered about signposts and seeking direction…but that’s material for another post…or two.

Please continue to pray as I work through the rest of the Mad Church Disease book, and as I put my plans into action to make this stuff happen, and to heal.

Michelle

Throughout the ages men and women have fasted at times when they are wanting to spend some intense time with God and to make space in their minds to hear what He has to say to them. Usually it involves giving up something that is meaningful in their lives…like food, or activities, or whatever. I’ve never done a fast like this before, and I’ve been contemplating the value of it in my adventure and decided to jump in!

Tomorrow morning I head off on my weekend of solitude and I have decided to give up all social media and online connection…since I am completely addicted to it

So…that will include:

• phone
• text messaging
• email
• instant messaging
• Twitter
• blogging
• Internet surfing
• Facebook

I will be doing a complete disconnect (except for a couple of negotiated text messages to let my family know I’m OK each day and for emergency purposes obviously ).  It’s going to be tough! I’ve never done it on purpose before! But that’s the point I guess. I’m intentionally tuning out the world and the things that distract me the most so that I can focus on God and his purpose for the weekend.

Air silence will begin when I leave on Saturday morning and end on Monday night.

Have you ever fasted for spiritual purposes? What did you give up? What were your experiences?

My husband thinks I’m completely nuts…but I love to look at what’s in people’s bags  ( There’s a whole Flickr group of people that do this). How do they organise it, why do they carry what they do…is it functional? Is it geeky or all Hello Kitty?  For an afternoon of voyeuristic fun, pop on over. It’s addictive!

Back to the point…

I need your help…obviously…I’ve never done one of these solo retreats before. I have no idea what to “pack” into my gear sack for the weekend away…physical or otherwise…

Here’s the background…

This weekend I am off for a solo retreat to the Lake Crackenback Resort...all by myself…no kids….no husband….I’ll be engaging in some serious leisure activities to refresh my physical body (it’s the beginning of the ski season at the very edge of the snow line, probably won’t ski, but it will be cooold! I imagine lots of walking…), as well as really digging deep to see what God is wanting for me during this restoration phase of my adventure to a healthy life and recovery from Mad Church Disease. For this part I envisage lots of writing as I process stuff…and I don’t think it will be your stereotypical girly type retreat..I think it is probably going to be more like a spiritual bootcamp!

Here’s what I want to know…what should I “pack”? What scriptures would be good to meditate on? What spiritual disciplines do you think might be helpful in this situation? Have you done a solo retreat? How did you prepare?  How did you approach it? Would you share your story to help me on my way?

What should I shove into my backpack for the ideal weekend retreat to meet with God? What would you pack?

Thanks

Michelle

If you want to see all of the posts about my adventure click here.

I started out thinking about this thing that I’m doing as a “journey”. That’s what I’ve called it in my head and in my journal for months, but this week as I’ve been blogging about it and starting to think about it in more concrete terms, I’ve started to get excited and it’s feeling much more like an adventure than a journey.

I think that the words we use to talk to ourselves (and others) are really important. Words are important. Using the right words can make all the difference in our approach to the the things we do. Words can motivate us or they can give us a subconscious excuse to be lazy.

Here’s what the words Journey and Adventure remind me of…

Journey:

• passive
• waiting
• drifting
• airy fairy
• feminine
• old
• journey to death

Adventure:

• active
• energy
• purpose
• excitement
• forward
• direction
• exploring
• vibrant

The first picture above is how I think about a journey, the second one reminds me of a great adventure. I want a life of energy and excitement, not one of aimless drifting.

What do you think life with Jesus should be like? I’d love to hear your thoughts.