I have never been great at promoting myself, but now more than ever I am feeling the pull toward more art and creative pursuits, especially as they link to spirituality. To that end I have created a Facebook page for my art business: Robertson Studios, as a way to get my name out there a bit more. If you’re interested in arty farty stuff….would you do me a favour and “like” me? Please? Don’t make me beg (click on the picture below to be taken to the page)

I’m guest posting over at The Carpe Diem blog from time to time now…I’ve just posted a piece about my cooking experiments  Why don’t you pop over and take a look…

*raises hand* Hi my name is Michelle and I’m an acceptance junkie.

I rarely say “hang it, I’m just going to do this because I want to.” There is always the voice in my head that runs through the list of why I shouldn’t, or who else is going to be affected if I do that, or what are they going to think of me if I do that. Some of these questions are valid and necessary, but my inner critic does over time talking me out of doing things.

My inner critic is a micromanager. A micromanager that is never ever pleased unless everyone else is, and so I’ve stopped doing….because everyone knows that you can’t please everyone.

Oh, occasionally I’ll put my foot down and do something that I want to do “just because”, but then the guilt sets in (am I doing it right?).

It has become crippling.

If I can’t please people, I don’t ‘do’. I refuse to even try.

I want to be loved. I want to be accepted. I want to be appreciated. I don’t want to be ridiculed. I don’t want to be used and taken advantage of. If I don’t put myself out there, I can’t be hurt, or embarrassed, or angry.

Sure, I might be a regular renaissance woman with a list of abilities and interests that some may envy, but confidence does not come from the mere possession of those attributes, it comes from being able to use them and in turn considering yourself worthy of the benefits they return regardless of whether or not those around you are all happy with what you’ve done.

I need to knock off my inner critic. I’m searching for the best way to do it. I’m tired of her whiny voice. I want to be able to do things without second-guessing myself.

I wonder what life would be like without her in my head telling me I’m not good enough.

Even now my finger is hovering over the send button…Do I? Don’t I?

I am my own worst enemy.

Do you have an inner critic? Did you have her knocked off? Or did you merely chain her up and stick her in the corner? How did you do it? Are there any recovering acceptance junkies out there?

Instead of a bucket list this year I am going to take a leaf out of Messy Canvas’s book and choose a word to focus on for 12 months and see where the journey takes me. My word for the year is CONFIDENCE.

con·fi·dence/ˈkänfidəns/

I have either lost a lot of it, allowed what was there to be eroded away, or perhaps never had a lot to start with…but I need it back. Lack of confidence is killing me slowly but surely like a million paper cuts.

In it’s place cynicism and suspicion have come to roost, and I hate that.

My life coach noticed the lack of it a year ago, but I let the opportunity to work on it slip through my fingers. Then a colleague who’s opinion I value noticed the dearth of it in my work, and still someone else pointed out a similar issue with my mountain biking too.

The word just kept popping up all over the place. I figured it was a sign. Something needed attention.

I have no idea where this will take me. I expect it will be uncomfortable and maybe painful.

I want to make it to the end of the year without bleeding out.

Pass the band-aids please!