Confessions of an acceptance junkie in search of a hit man
*raises hand* Hi my name is Michelle and I’m an acceptance junkie.
I rarely say “hang it, I’m just going to do this because I want to.” There is always the voice in my head that runs through the list of why I shouldn’t, or who else is going to be affected if I do that, or what are they going to think of me if I do that. Some of these questions are valid and necessary, but my inner critic does over time talking me out of doing things.
My inner critic is a micromanager. A micromanager that is never ever pleased unless everyone else is, and so I’ve stopped doing….because everyone knows that you can’t please everyone.
Oh, occasionally I’ll put my foot down and do something that I want to do “just because”, but then the guilt sets in (am I doing it right?).
It has become crippling.
If I can’t please people, I don’t ‘do’. I refuse to even try.
I want to be loved. I want to be accepted. I want to be appreciated. I don’t want to be ridiculed. I don’t want to be used and taken advantage of. If I don’t put myself out there, I can’t be hurt, or embarrassed, or angry.
Sure, I might be a regular renaissance woman with a list of abilities and interests that some may envy, but confidence does not come from the mere possession of those attributes, it comes from being able to use them and in turn considering yourself worthy of the benefits they return regardless of whether or not those around you are all happy with what you’ve done.
I need to knock off my inner critic. I’m searching for the best way to do it. I’m tired of her whiny voice. I want to be able to do things without second-guessing myself.
I wonder what life would be like without her in my head telling me I’m not good enough.
Even now my finger is hovering over the send button…Do I? Don’t I?
I am my own worst enemy.
Do you have an inner critic? Did you have her knocked off? Or did you merely chain her up and stick her in the corner? How did you do it? Are there any recovering acceptance junkies out there?
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January 9th, 2012 at 4:30 pm
I think that we might have two. I believe that we possess a conscience which can have a split personality? The one that is the tiny, inner voice telling us what is right and what is wrong, I believe that is God’s voice, seeking to guide us through the holy spirit.
The other voice is our own ego. It’s the voice of free will, which is telling us to ignore what God is calling us to be, and to put the world and its needs and our own selfish interests first. This is the voice which tells us that we are worthless. This is the voice that tells us that envy of others abilities in comparison to our own confirms our uselessness.
The battle is to seek out the voice of God, to put him central, to build and strengthen that voice that will confirm to us that God loves us equally. That we all are equal, with our own unique gifts, and that if we put keep him central to everything we do, than we will be happy, content with out lot. Jesus Christ’s ministry was to give us that promise of new life in him. He simply says, “follow me”.
I’m not saying that the battle is won here, but by perseverance and the joy and knowledge that God loves us as we are, can really help you through the battlefield to victory over the ego.
January 10th, 2012 at 8:10 am
what I struggle with is differentiating is what the actual voice of God is, and what is historical/cultural religious distortion surrounding the role of women/children that has filtered through to my adult thinking. I don’t think God wants me to be a doormat, and yet that is what I have allowed myself to become at the expense of what I believe God has placed as dreams and aspirations in my life. Determining the “sober judgement” of myself is almost impossible at the moment.
January 9th, 2012 at 4:46 pm
Your inner voice has a name – Pride. Not the pride that struts around telling everyone you are better than they are, but the pride that says – don’t do anything, and then no one knows who I really am.
Humility does the best she can, and then says – whether or not you like me, this is me.
But then again, I could be totally wrong in this, and , well I am hoping that you will not love me any less if I am.
January 10th, 2012 at 8:14 am
LOL I am not going to love you less! I think you may be on the right track…there is perhaps a degree of false humility in the mix, but I think it was grounded in the good stuff before it went rampant. I don’t have an issue with people knowing who I really am. I am a pretty open book, and have lost my fair share of friends because I have allowed them to see that I am not who they think I “should” be. See also my reply to UKViewer. I have a habit of deferring what I do in favour of others’ needs/wants/manipulations and end up paying for it…but that’s another blog post ;P
January 10th, 2012 at 10:47 am
This is a really hard issue to work through. Just want to encourage you as you walk through it. Sometimes I have found it helpful to name that inner critic for what it is – I am not so worried whether pride is the name, or fear, or whatever. But coming to the root of what it is, and naming it, can flush it out.
January 12th, 2012 at 8:52 am
Yes, I have an inner critic, and it is a battle to drown her negativity out. Sometimes I talk back at her (“you’re wrong, I can do this”) and other times I just show her, through DOING exactly what it is that she says I can’t do. That always shuts her up.
I like to think of myself as floating downstream in the direction I am meant to be going. Negative thoughts, inertia, fear, envy etc are all ways of swimming upstream. It’s hard work swimming upstream, against the natural flow. As soon as I stop thinking negatively and turn myself around and go with the current, everything else seems to fall into place and the voices are silenced. Doing the things you want to do and feel inspired to do doesn’t have to be hard work, it shouldn’t be a fight with your ego or with God or your conscience. Just let go of the negativity, turn yourself around and go with the flow.
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